2-27-20 - Chichén Itzá

It’s 4:40 am down in the lobby and all are ready for our tour to Chichén Itza — our fourth stop on our goal of seeing the Seven wonders of the Modern World this year.

We meet a superhero. Yes our local guide today is named Super Frank who picks us up in a large comfortable bus. Like our 14 fellow travelers today, we settle in the seats to continue our slumber given the early wake up hour. But apparently, the self-dubbed superhero, Super Frank, has another plan — his two hour-plus long lecture on Mayan history and culture.

Normally our clan is up for this sort of information sharing, but at a more reasonable hour like 8 am vs 5:30 am. Add to that, the bus’ microphone muffles his voice sounding like a white noise machine that puts one to sleep. That doesn’t stop Super Frank.

Super Frank is of Mayan descent and takes this tour extremely seriously.  Clearly, Super Frank’s Superpower is the ability to talk for an hour about Mayan history without taking a single breath. After an hour going on about the Mayan Calendar and other Mayan traditions, he stops his lecture and standing in the front of the bus, he asks, “Raise your hand if you are paying attention to me.”

Only Kyle’s hand goes up.  This does not make Super Frank happy as that leaves 20 other people not raising their hand which means they are not even listening to him.  To be fair, it is only 6:30am at this point.

“Ok, now everybody,” a clearly annoyed Super Frank says “Who remembers my name?” A few uncomfortable moments pass. Kyle again saves the bus answering “Frank!” Although a now pissed off Super Frank is probably pissed both because no one remembered his name and the one person who did (Kyle) forgot that he was a superhero and called me “Frank” instead of “Super Frank.”

As long as we’re talking superheroes, Super Frank turned into the Incredible Hulk and exploded in anger, “for the rest of you, if you get lost in there, the only way you will EVER get out is to know my name and ask another guide how to find Super Frank.  So, as you obviously DON’T know my name , when you get lost, I’m NOT looking for you, YOU’RE on your OWN!!!”

Wow, Super Frank turned into Super Aggro Frank in the span of 5 minutes. And his tirade continues. You people AREN’T even paying attention.  “Why are you even here on my tour? Are you just here to take selfies and not learn about my culture today?” Now a hot steaming mad Super Frank is fuming made and it’s only 7:30 am.

Early, Super Frank had explained all about the Mayan calendar and how we could get our name printed in Mayan characters, the calendar and an interpretation of our destiny. Super Frank called this our Mayan destiny.  He is now asking the bus, “who wants to find out their Mayan destiny?”

No hands go up.  Possible explanations are that people are still sound asleep or they are just plain scared of an increasingly unbalanced Super Frank. Either way, this isn’t going to turn out well.  After Super Frank waits for enough awkward silence to pass, he takes the mike, winds up and slams the it down into his seat screaming, “if you don’t care about your destiny, I don’t care about yours, I’m not talking anymore until we get there.”  Geez, Kyle thinks that Super Frank needs to go to a tour guide anger management program.

When we get there, Super Frank continues “Chichén Itza is a sacred place. There will be absolutely no drinking or smoking or crazy behavior. No climbing the pyramid, no videoing.....”

At this point, it’s getting a bit lighter out and most passengers try to wake up and offer a bit more attention to quell his unquenchable anger. As we arrive at the site, Super Frank hands us his signature sticker with the Superman logo and Super Frank on it.

We arrive at the majestic site and it’s definitely awe-inspiring ; Super Frank’s talk was more audible now and quite a bit more interesting at the site itself.  Chichén Itza was built around 600 AD and was the epicenter of religious, political and economic life for the Mayans at that time. At ceremonies, more than 20,000 Mayans would gather here in these open air area. Games would be played where the winner might have been sacrificed. We learn the famous echoing clap that sounds like the local bird quetzal; we see the site photos on summer solstice where the sun is perfectly aligned with an open snake mouth; and we are impressed with the architectural feat this site required. Our group asks lots of questions and Super Fred seems to be back in his happy place.

 That is.....until…Super Frank spots a random tourist lighting up a cigarette on the site 25 meters away - not someone in our group. Super Frank immediately goes ballistic, leaves mid-sentence and charges over to scold the misguided tourist.  

“There is no smoking here,” Super Frank screams at the tourist.  The tourist rolls his eyes and says, “fine I’ll go smoke over there,” pointing more towards the perimeter edge. “There is no smoking anywhere on the premises,” Super Frank screams at his.  The tourist rolls his eyes yet again and says, “why is that?  It’s open air, dude.” 

Oh no, oh no, oh no, Kyle and Leanne are thinking.  Super Fred starts hyperventilating, his chest puffs out angrily, his muscle enlarge, his shirt tears off and he turns dark green.  This is full on David Banner turned Lou Ferrigno turned Incredible Hulk.  “BECAUSE THIS IS A SACRED PLACE AND THIS IS MY PEOPLE’S LAND AND YOU ARE VIOLATING AND POLLUTING MY SACRED LAND AND AIR.  NOW PUT THAT CIGARETTE OUT AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.”  Super Frank has gone from dark green to all out deep purple as he is shaking back and forth.  Did we mention Super Frank has a bit of an anger Management problem before?

We definitely understand now why he calls himself Super Frank now — this guy is trying to single-handedly save the Mayan Culture with his incredible hulk power on a daily basis.

Finally the tourist puts out his cigarette and walks over to his three buddies, also smoking.  Super Frank spots the other 3 smoking and unleashed a tirade of curses as he stomps off towards the group to the rescue again “enlightening” more tourists.  The one guy must have tipped off his other buddies that Super Frank was a few fries short of a happy meal and they take off running before Super Frank can catch them and say his piece.

We finish out the tour.  Despite Frank’s volatile personality, we do learn a ton about the Mayan people, culture and civilization.  He is particularly sensitive to the topic of sacrificing humans. The Mayan’s have a little bit of a reputation for this.  So Super Frank says that, “it is absolutely not true that they sacrificed humans, they merely executed prisoners of war and other bad people the same as all societies do today.”

But then we get to the part of the tour where Super Frank explains that twice a year, they play a game where two teams of try to get a ball into a sideways basketball circle.  After the winner is declared, the Mayan chief picks one of the ten players and has him executed. Even if you we’re the captain of the winning team, it could still be lights out for you. Kind of sounds like a sacrifice to me. Kyle holds off pointing out the contradiction for fear of the Incredible Hulk Frank making yet another appearance. 

After we wrap up Chichen Itza, we arrive at the classic / obligatory tour demonstration / lunch stop but this one gives you 20 minutes to shop. It’s a Mayan cooperative to help the local artisans and community members.

By now we are so worn down by these tourist traps, our current approach is to find something small and lightweight now and get out as soon as humanly possible. Lingering is expensive. This center focuses on black obsidian, a volcanic stone that changes color with fire, earth and water. It is said to have healing purposes, but Kyle recognizes it as Game of Throne’s Dragonglass.

Leanne buy a few pieces of Dragonglass while Kyle points out that we are not likely to run into White Walkers this far south.  Armed with her new purchases blessed by the Mayan shaman, Leanne and the crew grab our boxed lunches and return to the comfy bus. We figure the purchases will make Super Frank happy on the ride back.

Back at the hotel, we decide to relax at the pool and eat at the hotel. Having felt accomplished by hitting our fourth Wonder of the World.